Tuesday, March 15, 2005

The one where I made a shank out of my toothbrush.

I've received an overwhelming number of requests -- meaning two out of the three emails I've received since I started doing this -- asking me to spill the sordid details of my arrest. Ha! Not going to do it. Suffice to say I spent two weeks in an El Paso jail because I was young(er) and stupid(er), and still thought that 1) police were somewhat honest, and 2) the system worked. I guess to a certain extent it did work, because all charges were eventually thrown out, but I had to spend two weeks in jail getting to that point for fuck's sake. I should probably mention 3) I was too stubborn to call anyone and ask them to travel two hundred miles and bail my sorry ass out until I'd been in the can for two fucking weeks.

I have to admit, it was one of the most fascinating experiences I've had. Ted Koppel and his overnighter can kiss my ass, I got the unvarnished version. And also learned many interesting and useful things. Number of ounces of heroin a dealer can smuggle over the border in his girlfriend's vagina? Seven (your girlfriend's mileage may vary). Number of grams he can smuggle into jail in his ass? Five.

I was in this pod with about fifteen other guys, over half of whom were Mexicans. Damned if every single day those guys didn't want to watch COPS. Honest to god. We had this one guy in there who was from Las Cruces, he'd been stopped for drunk driving and had the royal shit beaten out of him by the arresting officers. It seems he didn't have a rear view mirror, and in his drunken state (he freely admitted to being shitfaced) did not notice the officer in his side mirror. The ensuing 35 mph chase along a straight stretch of dirt road attracted backup and aroused the ire of the policia, so when he finally did stop, after cuffing him they slammed his face into the hood of his truck a few dozen times for good measure. It took five stitches to close the worst cut, over his right eye, but his face was filled with smaller lacerations.

So day one after we'd been transferred to the El Paso County Dentention Facility Annex we're sitting in front of the television watching, yes, COPS. That particular episode happend to be COPS in El Paso. Sweet, delicious irony. One segment showed El Paso's finest arresting some homeless man...who they proceed to beat the shit out of.

Our Las Cruces guy watched for a minute, and said "Hey, that looks like me."

He peered closely into the tv, then added "Of course, I didn't piss my pants."